My Story

​I've actually told this story more than a few times and it gets easier every time. I'll give you the main facts. A brief, if you will, on my life, and the traumas that happened to me; how BPD came about for me, the affects it had on my life because of it, the therapy I had, and most of all my recovery story.

I grew up in a small rural town in south-eastern Ontario. I don't remember a lot about my childhood. It's a way for trauma victims to block out bad events. I remember some good times, but the bad times seemed to outweigh them. I was very young when my abusive biological father went away to prison and from that point made it very clear that he wanted NOTHING to do with me. My step father came into the picture as an alcoholic when I was 5. From the ages of 5-10 I was molested by an extended family member. At the time my mother was dealing with what some might call PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) from her past issues stemming from my real father, so there was very little helpful support from her. Abandonment, sexual abuse, and alcoholic step-parent, all these traumas were bottled up inside me as a child because you just didn't talk about these things, not in my family and not in the 80's. I recall now, when I look back on my childhood, I magically started learning things in school. When I recall that timeline, its around the same time I told my mother about the abuse. Funny That! Although that devil was burned, my broken home life continued until I moved out when I was 20.

 I moved to a small neighboring city Belleville, Ontario. I had hopes and dreams that I would find a life for myself that didn't include daily abusive tantrums. I worked a few jobs and then decided that I would finally try my hand at college at the age of 23. So I registered for the Television program at Loyalist College. It was at this time that my life took another life affecting turn; I met a special man and fell deeply in love. As the year progressed both the relationship and school were going very well. I was voted class president and was well on my way to the Dean's list. It was two weeks into the second semester when I found out I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter, I finished out the year and then took maternity leave for a year. It was during that year while at home I switched up careers and decided on Culinary Management when I was back to college. So I started the new college program.... full time student, full time mommy, full time partner, full time homemaker. For most of that year all was, for the most part. well. It wasn't until the last few weeks of classes that my symptoms overwhelmed me and the anxiety rose like a bat out of hell. Borderlines are often very intelligent, social and caring people. Most excel in school or work before and after their symptoms are triggered.

During that time my disorder had full blown symptoms, maybe from all the work load trying to lead two perfect lives. Finally the pressure just crashed down on me. In the last month of school I started to drink heavily. I did manage to finish my classes and graduate on the Dean's list, again. However, three weeks after my classes were finished; my life took yet a whole other turn. A BAD one! I was arrested for driving impaired, my partner decided it was too much and left me, and I almost lost my rights to see my child due to my critical out of control behaviors. All of this happened very quickly and without enough time for me to digest any of it in my mind, I just crashed. Just like a computer. I like some other borderlines felt completely lost inside, and like some, wore a mask to cover up what I was really feeling.

Over the next critical year I was hospitalized several times, but in total I was hospitalized 7 times, including the last time I was there about 3 years ago due to what I call an "episode" and included in these stays at the hospital were a couple of serious suicide attempts.


I was diagnosed with severe Borderline and Depression. Cutting, drinking  and doing street drugs, putting myself at total risk for so many things to go wrong. I had no clue where to start and try and fix the mess, or what that even meant. At first, I had nothing but overwhelming anger, rage even and total frustration. Again, I was a "lost" human.

Over the years the one big thing I have learned is to not EVER give up hope I finding an answer. With the right doctor, medication and therapy, everything seems to fall into place. Oh and we can't forget... You must surrender to the system and say to yourself, "I admit I need help". I did this, and it lead to a series of other choices I made. First, I needed help with the extreme emotions I was feeling, and when I open mindedly accepted the therapy, it led to other therapies that I needed in order to pull myself into recovery. These therapies included therapy for my abandonment issues, sexual assault therapy and others listed. In the end I am so happy I stopped denying my disorder and accepted my fate/destiny. I later figured out that my borderline disorder was triggered hormonally by giving birth to my daughter, and it caused, all the deep emotional traumas from my childhood to raise it ugly head. It's like emotional regurgitation. I was cutting myself, pulling my hair out of my head and doing very risky drugs. I had no control over it, at first, BUT after a few years in therapy, medication and utter desperation to save my life, I found out what it means to be as unique an individual as borderlines often are. My symptoms decreased over time and the self mutilation eventually stopped.

Today after a few years of working with the system and doing my inner work, I believe I'm better than I was before I was ill. It is important to form a good support network, such as family, doctors, counselors and friends. People that can help you get through what your going through. I would NOT be where I am today if it were not for my mother, sister and a few friends. They loved me and helped me immensely! I think it wise to cut out all the bad energy and focus on the good. No matter ho bad things seem, rebuilding is possible.

Today I enjoy my life. I spend a great deal of time with my daughter for she is/was my biggest happy thought that pulled me through the darkness into the light. I have not done any spontanious/impulsive extreme behaviors in a long time. I also have a productive, fulfilling relationship with someone I love and who loves me. When I look at the scars on my arms and legs I imagine BPD to be like a villain and I'm a super hero cartoon character with a super charged lazer and when my symptoms come along, I picture blowing that BPD villain out into the universe. I know that sounds a little silly, but hey it works for me, and I tend to smile more often because of it. Today I also speak at local support groups as a recover tool and try to give hope to family members that it CAN get better, and that their support for their loved one, goes a long way.

So, with good therapy, medication and commitment to do the work, rebuilding is possible and the fruits of THAT labor get sweeter everyday. So now that I have expressed my story to the best of my abilities in the shortest form I can. Hitting all the right spots. Explaining how I qualify to give my say on this disorder. Let's get on with my presentation. I have put together this website based on my recovery experience. I hope you find at least some of it helpful and to those still suffering, my prayers are with you. Enjoy!

 

                                                               

                                       To read more about my story visit my blog at - Healthy Minds Canada ! 2015 

  • Facebook Classic

© Copyright 2013 My mind on Borderline - Natasha Rosemary Sinclair